“Ah, but you see, Mr. Bairloch, I am not a fool.”

“But that’s where we differ, because I am!”

“What makes you say that?”

“I know me very well, you see.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes, an unintended side-effect of living with myself for more than 33 years.”

I was at a gathering tonight for a group of which I am a board member. After the meeting, there was food, drink and mingling. A friend told me to go mingle, since I need help in this regard. I didn’t, of course, so I spent my time trying to figure out why.

I don’t want to. I don’t want to belong. To that group or any. I admire what they do. I will give my time, effort and brainpower to assist them, but I don’t want to be one of them. I don’t know why, but I have no interest in being a part of pretty much any group. I think I do. I join. I try. But, inevitably, I realize I was wrong and just stop going.

I don’t talk to people at bars, I sit and drink by myself. Even when I’m with friends. I don’t voice chat in games. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t even talk on the phone very often. I’ll text, but mostly because I can keep it brief and only respond when I feel like it.

When did I develop this dislike for my fellow man? And why, conversely, do I hunger for a relationship with someone special? Why do I hunt for a woman to be my partner while actively distancing myself from people as a whole? How can those two things play well together?

Am I going crazy? Did I make that journey a long time ago? Am I only pretending to be normal to pay the bills? This last one sounds plausible…

2 thoughts on “Fool

  1. Mom

    Stop it. You know damn well you aren’t crazy. It is work to get along with people. OF course you are reliving what you were raised. Just how many friends does your father have? hmmm?
    There are times when for your own good, you have to do something you don’t want to do.

    1. Spud

      “A friend told me to go mingle”

      Oh shit. That never ends well.

      Is that opening one of your originals? Because that’s some Bond level suavity there. I’ll say it again: it’s not YOUR fault that the rest of the world can’t keep up with you. I figure either A) we’re frickin’ TALOSIANS or B) the rest of the world has just gotten lazy, and comparatively we’re closer to normal center in terms of conversation and intellect.


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