“Ah, but you see, Mr. Bairloch, I am not a fool.”
“But that’s where we differ, because I am!”
“What makes you say that?”
“I know me very well, you see.”
“Yes, an unintended side-effect of living with myself for more than 33 years.”
I was at a gathering tonight for a group of which I am a board member. After the meeting, there was food, drink and mingling. A friend told me to go mingle, since I need help in this regard. I didn’t, of course, so I spent my time trying to figure out why.
I don’t want to. I don’t want to belong. To that group or any. I admire what they do. I will give my time, effort and brainpower to assist them, but I don’t want to be one of them. I don’t know why, but I have no interest in being a part of pretty much any group. I think I do. I join. I try. But, inevitably, I realize I was wrong and just stop going.
I don’t talk to people at bars, I sit and drink by myself. Even when I’m with friends. I don’t voice chat in games. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t even talk on the phone very often. I’ll text, but mostly because I can keep it brief and only respond when I feel like it.
When did I develop this dislike for my fellow man? And why, conversely, do I hunger for a relationship with someone special? Why do I hunt for a woman to be my partner while actively distancing myself from people as a whole? How can those two things play well together?
Am I going crazy? Did I make that journey a long time ago? Am I only pretending to be normal to pay the bills? This last one sounds plausible…